ME: work in progress !

For the past few years the most significant think I would have done, would have to be putting myself through constant mental and psychological training to be a better person. It has been a fascinating journey with its many ups and downs and highs and lows.. more lows than highs.. ( no one likes to hear how pathetic you really are!!.. but that’s what u learn most times !)  . I have seen tremendous changes,  gone through hard challenges, tried to smile in the face of adversities, pushing myself and my very short term memory to remind me of what I have learnt.. throwing myself into living the changes and learning from them..growing..bit by bit..transforming, step by step..  its been a slow and difficult trip.

There are days where I believe that my life is glorious..that I have everything in me to make myself achieve my dreams and trust that nothing or no one can stop me now.. then there are other days, like today..where I am awake post midnight and feeling like shit !

Generally being a person who is in very high spirits and in a very positive frame of mind, I have made people believe that I have no problems at all.. so when I  get down and low, everyone around me is left confused and feeling betrayed.. they have this question on their face “you cant do this to yourself  and you cant do this to us . u are you ! so positive and vibrant and chirpy.. we count on you to pull us up..you cant feel like this”.   Well the bad news is, I do feel like this now !

In the process of self discovery or even before that, I made mistakes, that may have left some loved ones feeling terrible and shaken..i always had my reasons to behave the way I did, but that’s another story ! Tonight I feel like a horrible person who didn’t have better sense at that point of time.. I feel a sense of disbelief and unforgiveness towards myself.. I feel uncomfortable in my own body, mind and soul. I have the thought crossing my mind that I need to get this out of my system and put things into place, but that would involve opening a can of worms.. right at this point, I don’t think I am ready for it ! not just now ! maybe someday..

We all think that we are angels and everyone around is crazy or plain stupid or impossible…I was no different, till I learnt that I was a difficult person for others around me.. I had a way to be strong and dominating and persistant, which could make the people around me uncomfortable. My argument was that I only want the best for them, or I am only trying to protect them, or I am doing this because I know better and I love them.. that was and is a fact. Trying to “protect” people from difficult situations, has always got me in major trouble..it not only snatched my peace of mind, but it also strained my relationships and make me look like the bad guy. the people in question may have swiftly moved on with life and made themselves comfortable in their organised mess, but I was always left feeling drained out and cheated.

Life has a way of bringing unfinished situations back in your face from time to time, till you receive your lesson from the experience. Most times, the reminders of the hurt come from the ones you love the most.

I learnt my lesson..i cannot live life for someone else..i cannot protect them from the things they need to learn, I cannot change their destiny, because I think I know better, I cannot be responsible for someone else’s hurt or disappointment... I cannot fix everyone’s problems- infact, I am not supposed to .I may not even be needed to solve a problem, even though I may think that the person would die without me in this situation ! I cannot be morally responsible for someone else’s failures.. but I CAN, however, control my anxiety and trust the process of life.. I can pray and wish someone well, I can be calm and helpful when needed instead of being pushy when not required .  i can be attached and distanced at the same time..

Mostly I learnt that it is ok sometimes to feel like a bag of trash..tomorrow will be a better day and I will have reasons to smile..after all, I am still me- a case of ‘work in progress’.

the new story of my life !

You can heal your life" by louise hay..took me one step further in my journey of positive experiences..

I was always a believer in the law of attraction and now my theory finds some practical !! I have rewritten the new story of my life in a way that I affirm to myself that all the things written below are the things that are coming to me now ! ( These are the changes that I'm looking for in my life)..
With louise hay, I learnt to really accept myself fully, and love myself, just the way I am..with all my flaws and still perfect in my imperfections.. Unique like a snowflake in the grandiosity of its beauty ..

Accepting myself gave me the courage to write a new story whch is manifesting itself for me..just for ME !! Because I deserve it.. And I'm worth it.. Here goes ...

"In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete. I love life and it loves me back twice. I trust the flow of events in life to produce perfect results. Divine intelligence supports me in all that I do.

My relationship with myself is a wonderful one where I am constantly learning, growing, changing and supporting myself.I love and approve of myself unapologetically..I experience love everywhere I go..I'm deeply respected, loved and cherished in all my relationships. People connect to me like a magnet. They feel safe and special around me. I enjoy wonderful associations with positive, uplifting and powerful people. My family constantly encourages me to grow and gives me the loving space to be and become.

Every cell in my body is alive with health and energy. I am in great shape and at peace with my body. My body supports me lovingly in all that I need and want to do. I take care of my body and my body heals.

I make abundant money from everything that I love doing. I feel positive, vibrant and creative energy flow through me at all times and at work. My work allows me the opportunity to fulfill all my dreams, explore, learn and be my best self at all times. I prosper wherever I turn. My talents are in demand and I am deeply rewarded for them. My relationships at work are filled with love, vibrant, positive energy and space to grow. My work allows me to touch millions of lives in an impactful and positive manner. It gives me a platform to inspire others. It brings me love, respect, fame and an endless flow of rewards and finances. I am working on my dream show where I am the indian oprah winfrey, touchng all hearts..and I attract the best people to work on it who make it hugely successful and popular..I am grateful for the opportunity from the deepest corner of my heart.

I live in a beautiful spacious 4 bedroom home whch is alive with prosperity, positivity, laughter, warmth and comfort for all. It is my heaven in whch I feel dafe and significant. my bedroom is huge..with a separate cozy corner for my books..and a 2 seater sofa in front of me for my friends to sit over coffee..i am blessed with loyal and lasting help who are always there to help me manage my home better.

My children are happy, brave, confident, independant kids. They have a great relationship with themselves and everyone around.

I am happy, healthy and safe.. All is well in my world !

Your slave...with love..

This year my resolution was to grow..to learn..to get stronger..maybe even slightly independant.. I was doing whatever I could do to educate myself further in personal development..is it fun ? Oh yes !! Is it easy ?? Hell, NO ! Am I succeeding ?.. I thought I was, till today morning.. And then ?? Then life took over !!

.It is so strange that sometimes we can be on the top of the world and the next moment we cud be biting the dust. And it doesn't take much for that euphoria balloon to burst..
Each time I tell myself " I want to be powerful" and I start feeling the energy, I run my mind thru everything I learnt so far, start feeding my heart with positive affirmations and in the next moment..KABOOM !! One small comment from a dear one can bring me to the reality of how weak I still am..

Why is that we are so dependant on others for our happiness ? Howcome we can never validate ourselves and seek it from people who may not care to give it to us ? Why do we give them so much power that we are left powerless in front of their insensitivity?!
Are we all slaves to the spoken word of anyone but ourselves ? Don't we give ourselves the tiniest bit of credit and credibility ? Do we doubt our own sense ?? Or do we carry the expression of a retard on our face ..

While I was speaking to a friend about these hopeless situations whch act as those ever so irritating road blocks on my road to nirvana, he said " take a paper and write a thankyou note to all those people who hurt you.. You have learnt a lesson because of that hurt..and u will know that you allowed it to happen to you". AHAA !!!!!!

Did I allow them to hurt me ?? No.. Let me try again... DID I REALLY ALLOW IT ALL ??? Although my ego is getting a stomach ache admitting this... I'll still give myself a meek 'yes'. What's my checklist ??

1) Do I feel guilty saying NO when I want to ?
2) Do I always keep myself last on the rack of my own priorities ?
3) Do I always go out of my way to make someone else happy ?
4) Do I keep my tears to myself when someone has hurt me ?
5) Do I pretend to be normal in every quasy situation just to keep the peace ?

If your answer like mine is "yes" in all or most of the above, then YES... You, like me
are  a slave to another mans preoccupied mind and his poisonous tongue. We gift our heart, mind and soul to some ungrateful soul labelled " To, Mr Random, with love.. Forever yours Slave"

My question is "What exactly are we expecting in return ?".. something to think about !

your slave..with love.

"aha" moments !

My big “aha” moment !

Imagine living your whole life with the feeling that something may be terribly wrong with you because no one stands by you when you need them to..You are convinced about it because one experience after another had taught you the same thing.. ‘You stand alone’.

 It is but natural that bitterness and self doubt would creep in and injure your confidence.. But what if someone were to tell you that you don’t stand alone because you are not loved, BUT because people around you have no capacity to support the magnitude of the strength you exude. They cannot stand by you because they themselves depend on you to stand up for them..   Your whole life could turn around in that one instant.. Time would stand still and relief would wash over you.. Like the Gods themselves validate that you are a good person after all !!!    AHA  MOMENT !!!!

Everyone has these moments  that they live for, moments they seek, moments that drive them. They could be seconds  of fame, of love, sinful pleasures, achievement, revenge… you name it.. Our life is in these moments which may be very few and far in between. 

Like small lethal packets, these precious flashes  of deep understanding, too could contain the greatest joys, the confrontation with success and the biggest lessons ever learnt. Oprah calls it the “aha” moment, when something new dawns in your mind and changes the way you think and act. Forever !

  For  most people struggling with an unhealthy body image, the next two lines could be euphoria.. 

 “If I  didnt know better , I’d say I was thin. However  the fact is that I’m not thin. But here is my new found reality: you don’t have to be thin to look good !” -  Lisa Kogan ( writer)

My  aha moment made it so much simpler for me to take decisions without guilt and trauma.. I live by this mantra now..“ If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world doesn’t fall apart”

I walk through each day not, seeking more moments like these, which would make my life lighter and light  up.. Its one more reason I look forward to the beauty of everyday.. the exposure to new experiences..new encounters with varied people..

If you keep your eyes open, you realize that “AHA’S”  is life..and life is “AHA !!”

how my life has changed after oprah !

my obsession with oprah continues..even after my dream coming true..meeting her after 10 years of waiting..though i couldnt take a picture and couldnt get that hug..but i connected with her..
in that distance of 3 feet from her, a lot of things changed and emerged..

i realised that dreams do come true..we just dont dream clearly enough..all this while i said " i want to meet oprah, i want to just see her", and thats what happened.. i underestimated myself..thought that for a layperson like me, that would be enough..what could i possibly say to her ? how could i ever reach her ??, but i realised i was wrong..i could say a lot..i could do a lot.. now my dream takes a step further..i want to work with oprah..bring the oprah brand to india..represent it.. and i know it will happen ..

i realised that too much of my time is wasted behind people who i think are my friends..they are not..they are just around because they are around..and i should not give them more importance than i give myself.. they add no value to my life..and neither do they realise the value that i add to theirs.. i need to recognize my true companions and invest in them..

i realise that i have been way tooo lazy..way too complacent..i have not worked hard enough..not been enthusiastic enough..not been demanding enough...i took whatever came..my wish in life was to be comfertable..and comfertable i am..i am not doing extraordinarily,because i never demanded that out of myself or out of life... u get just exactly what you ask for..what you give ur life for..

i realise you have to be shameless...you just have to do it  !! when you keep thinking about it, it doesnt happen...ur just left with your thoughts and regrets...i realise that the feeling of guilt is better than a feeling or regret..atleast you did what you needed to do..whether right or wrong..mostly the fruit comes out of doing, rather than not doing !

i realise that no dream is big enough..and it is not my job to think how it will come true..my job is to believe...that it will..be grateful that it is on its way..and leave the rest to god ..

i realise that i am special..and people see that..only i dont !

i realise that i can do a lot better than i give myself credit for..i just need to push every atom of my body to excellence and i will achieve what i dream..

i realise i want to write a book and i will..soon..maybe ive already started and i dont know..

i realise im going to make a lot of money..im worthy of it..

i realise that people are waiting for me to smile at them and im waiting for them to make the first move..but now thats going to change..im going to smile more...

i realise that i have the best family in the world

i realise that i need to ask...at the max..they will say no...

i realise that i am capable of doing everything on my own without depending on others..im going to use my time more wisely..

i realise that you just need to follow your gut..ur instinct..it never lies !!

thankyou oprah..thakyou god !
my life is changing..thankgod i realise that too !!

Just how badly do you want it ??

In the past few days i have discovered just how much i am capable of, just how much energy, stamina, passion, drive i have..just how hard i can work, how much i can focus..and how it feels when u really really really want something !

whoever knows me, knows i am an Oprah fan..thats no news..but to what extent my obsession takes  me, has even taken me by surprise..it has been my constant and biggest dream for 10 years to meet oprah... i have her on my vision board..i use her products, diaries, bookmarks, books etc etc etc.. everytime i fight with my husband, i tell him "im getting on the next flight to chicago and going to oprah..if nothing else, il become a maid in her house"..everytime i have a bad day, oprah visits me in the night and the next day i am refreshed when i wake up !

oprah is now in bombay..and i have never worked harder in my life..ive become like a hawk..looking for every bit of information that would get me to her..getting in touch with the hotel she stays in, the security agencies, the press, the staff..just everyone who would be even remotely linked to her. im ready to go lobbying in her hotel for 24 hrs to get a glimpse of her.. id never known i have so much energy in me..i cant think about anything else...maybe this is called "focus"..to beat it all, i finally decide to face my fear and get a real tattoo ..which says "oprah". everyone thought i was crazy..mad..cuckoo..but it made complete sense to me..maybe thats what passion is !
ive booked my tickets to jaipur to follow her to the literature festival shes attending, not sure whether she will meet me...maybe thats what"taking a chance" is.

i break into a bout of tears every few minutes while doing the most mundane chores imagining the moment when i meet her..i wonder what il say and whether il b able to handle it..the possibilities are endless.. as of now, im doing the countdown.. 5 more days to meet her...my life would change in the next 5 days! it woud never be the same again because my dream would come true..my faith would be a living thing..breathing..singing..crying..maybe thats what "hope" is.

now i wonder...if i put so much focus to anything else,,i would have got it..if i wanted riches..id b richer than ambani !! but have i really wanted anything so badly ????? the answer is "no".

next time i desire something, im going to look at my oprah tattoo and ask myself "just how badly do u want it ??are u working"oprah" hard on this thing that u want?? and if not..why not?? and then ill move it..." and then the  universe will correspond to the rhythm of my song !
thats what "belief" is..