Life is a roller coaster ride

It has been a strange time.. the past few months.

A lot of unexpected things happened and everything that was set and predictable took a U- turn..

The days when i was anticipating absolute calm and peace turned out to be an epitome of frenzy..the busier looking weekends fell flat on their face and never woke up ! Kids started growing up too fast and the adults turned to a notorious bunch of adolesents. The never ending work shyed away behind an avalanche of time and time itself moved against its direction.

At first, I was grappling with the confusion..the stress and uncertainity of it all...slowly, true to any human beings intrinsic nature, i started getting used to it.. started looking for the positives, the reasons..I started intellectualizing the whole scenario in my head so i could justify my lack of action and complaicence..

A close friend of mine recently said to me " Kavyal, you are pathetically positive...and im not sure that works". Maybe it doesnt..but it allows me to smile and and wish and look forward to the uncertainity with some hope..  Festering fear and "realism" would never allow me the freedom to relax and leave my fate upto the higher powers !!

I confess i am a strong believer in destiny and karma and all cliched things as such..dependance on astrology and my solo conversations with God bring me peace. Patience is not a virtue i was born with..the restlessness of not knowing the future would kill me if i wasent pathetically positive..

I dont have any answers yet to why this time has been so tumultous and whether it will change or try my patience for a few more months... but  I'm still wondering what kind of a lesson was God trying to teach me through this painful workout on  this bumpy rocky road.

.Maybe He tried to explain that Life is a roller coaster ride..It has its ups and downs..but its your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

The dangerous sound of revenge

Last night I had a revelation
Somehow I have to make you pay
It's all about manipulation
And what it takes to get my way
I don't believe in soft solutions
No one makes a fool of me
Without receiving retribution
No one hurts me and goes free

I'll play on your fears, I'll leave you in tears
You'll never be the same, my friend
You're walking a line, it's a matter of time
You'll never rest easy again

I've got the power to bring you down

I've heard it said, to err is human
It's forgiveness that's divine
I thought about forgiving you, but
I want revenge, I want what's mine
I think it's time to settle scores now
It's time to set the record straight
You'll know it's coming, you won't know how
Or when, you'll have to watch and wait

I'll play on your fears, I'll leave you in tears
You'll never be the same, my friend
You're walking a line, it's a matter of time
You'll never rest easy again

I've got the power to bring you down

You know, it feels intoxicating
To be intimidating
It's invigorating
To see you shaking

I've got the power to bring you down

You know something, you see it coming,
You know I will stop at nothing.”

Do not quit ..

Do Not Quit:

One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God," I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"His answer surprised me... "Look around," He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"

"Yes," I replied."When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took a very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water.The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.

In the second year, the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo," He said."In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit," He said

"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.It had spent the five years growing roots.

Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?"

"I would not quit on the bamboo. Neither will I ever quit on you.""Don't compare yourself to others," He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

"Your time will come," God said to me. " You will rise high! ""How high should I rise?" I asked."How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return."As high as it can?" I questioned.

"Yes," He said. "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."I left the forest and bring back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. He will never give up on you.

Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you happiness,Bad days give you experiences;Both are essential to life.

Keep going... Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows keep you Human, Failures keep you humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going!

Why I love you so ..

"Sometimes at night, when I look at the sky,
I start thinking of you and then ask myself "why?"
"why do i love you? i think and smile
coz i know the list could run on for miles !

The whisper of your voice, the warmth of your touch
so many little things, make me love you so much !
the way you support me- even my silly notions..
the way you care & show such devotion

the way you kiss me, fills me with desire
and how you hold me with the warmth of a fire..
the way your eyes shine when you look at me,
lost with you forever, is how I want to be.

The way that I feel, when you are by my side,
A sense of completion and overflowing pride

The dreams that I dream, that all involve you
the possibilities that I see, of the things that we can do !
How you finish the puzzle, that lies inside my heart
Deep down till my soul, you are a very important part

I could go on for days, telling of what I feel..
but all you really must know is..
my love for you is real !!

Kavyal

An undiscovered me..

What i am, i do not know
how i feel i hardly show
Been taught to never be at an extreme
conditioned to be like the heard and seen

Then suddenly why this urge to fly,
ripping the clouds to test the sky
What madness is this to do the new
to wander places been by a few !

Driftwood i have been for a long long time
flowing here and there led by people who are mine
and i thought i was happy to have taken the backseat
until one day i happen to meet..

A stranger who shows me a life unseen
takes me to places i have never been
tells me i know nothing - besides my bubble
a life so safe, miles away from trouble

"but thats not all- open your eyes and see"
he nudges me to bloom and be more of me
to think in a manner i havent done before
leaving inhibitions behind- walking beyond the shore.

"Can i really move beyond?" - im forced to ask
if this is not me, in whose glory do i bask..
"am i a facade even unknown to me?
then will you help me see the person i could be?"

If theres a world out there beyond my shell
i want to touch it all, see heaven and hell
i'm scared, terrified, excited too..
but to beat it all, u always compell

Will you see me through it all, i do not know
how you feel about it, you never show..
but u'll watch my back this much i can say
in your own indifferent but caring way

That would be enough for theres nothing i expect
just knowing you are there makes my day
looking forward to this strange journey u led me into..
somewhere down the road i'll find my way !


Kavyal

If a kiss were a raindrop..

If a kiss were a raindrop,
i'd send you showers,
If a hug  was a second,
i'd  send you hours..
If smiles were water,
i'd send you a sea..
If  love was a person,
i'd send you me !

If joys were a gift,
i'd send you a tonne..
If moments could be lended,
i'd sended u all the  fun,
If my eyes were an object,
i'd give u mine to see..
just how much i love u everyday
and how much u mean to me !!

If your tears could be transfered,
i would take them all away..
If  ever, u lose the road..
i'd be there to show the way.
If life holds u at such a spot,
when u dont know what to do..
i hope u always count on me,
because i want to be there for you !!


Kavyal

Someone somewhere..

Somewhere theres someone who dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile
theres a spark in the air when close to you
and a great conversation when words are so few

The smile she carries back which lasts through the day
the walk on the same roads, seems a beautiful way
Theres nothing but different, yet there is a change
a warmth thats engulfing, a feeling so strange

The need to touch and comfort the pain
to be there for you in sun or rain
to hold your hand when ur in need of one
to be the friend when there may be none

Even if words may not reveal
what is it that a loving heart may feel
the eyes will show and actions will tell
what lips may not be able to spell

The feeling as pure as honeyed dew
is the feeling that she feels every minute for you
so when you are lonely remember its true
somebody somewhere is thinking of you !


Kavyal

Stranger to myself ..

If I was asked "who knows you the best?", I  would undoubtedly say "myself".. but I wonder how much truth that answer really holds.. I know myself right now, at this point of time..only upto this present moment, But do I know   what I am likely to be in the next few minutes, or till an unexpected situation needs me ? I'm not entirely sure of it  today.

No ones life really goes according to the plan they have in the head..Its like that old joke "if u want to make God laugh, plan your own life!". I repeatedly tell myself and believe that I love the life I have..I have no doubts about it..but it may also be because I accept whatever comes my way without fighting..A few friends call it my complacence !

But each time I have been face to face with the unexpected, I battle with a lot of questions which have ever changing answers..my values, my beliefs, my opinions all challenged and I seem lost ! In search of answers in the wilderness of scary thoughts.
Maybe God wants me to be lost..so that I can find myself ..discover the person I may really be, get out of the comfort of being the person I am told I am, and figure the undiscovered character thats asleep, waiting to yawn and stretch and see life !

Rights and wrongs, do's and dont's, should's and shouldnt's are plenty !! All keeping me safe from encountering myself..But I want to probe deeper..and be prepared to face myself everytime I am challenged by another shocker that life would give.

Its going to be an unpredictable journey, with many potholes and bumps and speed breakers..maybe even an exciting one..but what the heck !! just one life...I'l take the ride..lets see if I come out with bruises or a new avatar !
After all if I dont see any change at all or acquire no new insights, I might have to check my pulse..I may be dead !!

Forgiveness is about personal power !

For some reason I have always boasted of a terrible memory..I realise that life is easier to live if u forget smaller details of everything.. I am an absent minded person, have always been..I take things on face value and don't bother reading in between the lines anywhere..maybe that's why sometimes people may feel that I am not very interested in whats happenning around me.. but its my way of maintaining some mental sanity !


Though 'forgetting' suits my life just fine, I am unable to digest the proverb 'forgive and forget' as easily. Theres a reason..


Everytime I  came across a person who I thought I could trust, has invariably proved my judgement wrong..and I forever wondered why ?! What is it that I am doing to attract people who I cant lay my faith on ? I ended up wasting months and years behind these people and causing myself a lot of heartburn and trouble, but those people were unaffected !

Each time that happened I went back to my old trick of forgetting them ! I was successful to an extent but that sting was always there everytime someone touched it ! I was left wary for life ..though in my mind I had erased them from my contacts lists but some bitterness stayed..I expected some apologies from those people but it never came, leaving my relationship with them incomplete....I could'nt let go of that person completely, no matter how much I tried..Maybe I still had a link that connected me to them..a link of resentment, which was stronger than steel..

When I went back to my 'landmark' coach a couple of months ago, he thought it was high time I saw the mirror..He wanted me to come out of these misconceptions that I had about myself being magnanimous and forgiving and loving towards all..when I asked him why I couldnt forget the people who hurt me, he said bluntly.. "You have a very small heart and only pretend to be as great as you feel..You are weak and in no mood to forgive all those people.so if you have any ideas about moving on..forget them !"

I was obviously stunned and  left bitter about what he said but I took his word for it .." Forgiveness is about personal power !The weak can never forgive..forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Sincere forgiveness cannot be coloured with the expectation that the other person apologize or change.we have to stop worrying whether they will finally understand us..They may not ! Love them and release them..Life will give back to you in its own way..Forgiving is hard business..Specially when it comes to forgiving the one who may be closest to you, because we cannot not have our expectations from them !  Love is  an act of endless forgiveness..and love is what we are all looking for !

That day with my coach, I found the answer to why I couldn't forget those people.. it was because I had not forgiven them. The instant I made up my mind of letting them go even with whatever they had done, I felt relieved..many years lighter ! and then stumbled upon another beautiful string of words by Lewes Smedes
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free..and discover that the prisoner was you !"

      

      

What makes a mother..

 WHAT MAKES A MOTHER ?

In 29 years of my life, I haven’t been blamed for too many things by my father, but he has had one constant complaint.. that I am more  my mother’s daughter than his ! Every time he says that, I blush and think of something witty to say in my defense, but nothing works. He’s right after all. Only my mother won’t believe that!!

Which child in their early years hasn’t been asked this question by eager parents “ kon vadhare game ? mummy ke pappa ?” And the parents will wait with bated breath while the poor child is confused and obviously doesn’t know what to say.

Though personally I think the question is very unfair, but everyone knows it is asked in good humor and whoever wins (mostly the mummy), gloats with happiness and pride !

It is correctly said that “God cannot be everywhere, that’s why he made mothers”. A lot of movies, songs, poems have been dedicated to mothers and yet most of the times, we take our own for granted. Have we ever wondered what life would be without ‘mummy’?  No, I don’t have the guts, nor the imagination to picture a situation like that. I wouldn’t want to be in a place where I can’t reach my mom.

My mother is not only my security blanket; she’s also the bank where I deposit all my hurts and worries. She’s the person I call when I want a compliment for no reason. She will applaud even the tiniest of my efforts, so I can keep going without being discouraged. She knows how to balance the appreciation and the criticism to just the right note, so I can do my best. She’s the first one I call every morning so my day starts with the reassurance of her loving voice. Sometimes both of us have nothing to say but I still hold on to the phone because it makes me feel as if she’s around!

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us,  She sticks around , shooing away the  darkness, and causing peace to return to our hearts. 

It is no wonder then, that in the deepest or even the slightest pain we consciously or unconsciously say the word “mama”. Mothers have a knack of loving, scolding and forgiving all at the same time. But whatever they do, the only thing a mother’s heart contains  is pure and unconditional love for her child. We really can’t understand this till we have children of our own and we become mothers ourselves.

When I was younger and didn’t have children, I would always say “ I will be different from my mom. She was very strict, I will be much cooler” but in fact, after 2 children I have exactly turned into my mother. The way I discipline them, play with them, shout at them, is the same way she would. (and I didn’t always approve of her methods).I now realize that she did the best she could, because I too am doing the best I can. I feel as if I have become a reflection of her. And when someone tells me I am like my mother, I take it as a supreme compliment!!

When a child is born, for him to survive and grow, his mother is just as important as his heartbeat. When he grows to be a toddler, she becomes his best playmate and friend. At 5 years, as much as the child may want  to do everything on his own, he is still dependant on his mother . At 10 years, he thinks of her as the cook and the home manager. Through his teens, he is independent and rebellious, and probably thinks his mother doesn’t understand him. But as he enters his 20’s, she becomes his friend and supporter & his “ideal woman” when he’s looking for a partner.

A “mother – son” is a very different equation from that of “mother- daughter”. During any and every stage of a daughter life, whether a toddler, teenager or adult, a daughter cannot do without her mother. She is not only dependant on her mother for all her needs, but her mother is an extension of her. She wants to look, behave, talk and be like her mother. As she grows, the mother daughter bond just becomes stronger and they become best friends. ( who says best friends don’t fight ??) Unfortunately this best friend phase comes mostly after the daughter is married.

All acclaimed and famous mothers have mostly the same things in common. Whether she is Krishna’s  Yashoda or Devki Ma, or Bharat’s Ma Kaikai( Ramayan wouldn’t have happened had she not wanted the throne for her son).Mother Teresa or Amitabh Bachchans “mere paas Ma hai” Ma.

They all selflessly wished the best for their children, sacrificed their whole life for them, loved them unconditionally and forgave their follies. Ekta kapoor made “Ba” live for almost 200 years through 8 years of Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi, because she was the ideal mother and was so loved by the viewers that no one could bear to let her go!!

Our mothers at home don’t get this popularity, don’t get any awards and don’t get paid for their lifetime of service with overtime and no perks !! But they do get to hear from the men and their children “what do u do all day ? Just sit at home and watch TV?” If the men and the children would turn into the mothers for even one day, they wouldn’t last even 15 hours!

If you have noticed, when a father turns off the TV and says goodnight, he immediately goes to his room and is fast asleep. When a mother says goodnight, before she is ready to retire, she fills her children’s lunch boxes for the next day, checks their bags for the right books, irons their school uniforms, gets her husbands clothes organized for office, tucks her children warmly in bed, checks the house and locks the windows, tidies up the room and then goes to her bed. And no one would have even noticed her doing all this.

 If I was asked to tell you what my mother means to me, I wouldn’t be able to do it. There aren't enough words in the dictionary. I can only tell you that I love her immensely and I wish I could express to her that I love her just as much as I love my own children. There is no greater love than the love of a mother and a child, and there is nothing better than a mama’s hug.(made popular by Munnabhai as Jadu ki jhappi)

Biology is the least of what makes one a mother. It is the warmth in her heart, the strength in her soul, the focus in her mind and the love in her eyes that makes her so wonderful. Her undying faith and the attitude of never giving up on her children, no matter how hopeless the situation, make her an icon of  Godliness. She is the reason why everyone wants to return home at the end of the day.

No wonder then, when a little girl was asked where her home was, she replied, "where mother is." 

Getting to 30 !! i'm loving it !

For a while, my mind was in the denial mode..i had stopped counting the passing years after i got 24..i froze myself there ( or tried to)..then on my 27th birthday, my husband made me come out of that 24 year bracket and made me smell the coffee.. i wasent a teenager anymore !! life was fast changing and there were more responsibilities than i wanted to come to terms with !

At 24, I was a mother. I loved the feeling so much that at 25, i become a mother again ! obviously the process of bearing 2 babies changes you in so many ways, you sometimes even forget what u looked like before u were a mom !
Perpetually dressed in feeding gowns that look like tents, no time for doing your hair..nailpolish suddenly becomes carcinogenic and nails have to be as short as non existent ! lipstick is not happenning because it may harm your child's skin..perfume makes the baby sneeze !!
So basically you turn into a fat, ugly cow for a few years, till you realise that other women around your husband are much better looking than cows !!

By the time you can manage to bring yourself back into shape, 2 more years have gone by and viola !! You're 30 !!!!!  Ageing sets in.. youre supposed to be using under eye creams that hide your fine lines.. i just cant get myself to do it !

The other side of turning 30.. I've never bloody felt so confident before. I've never been more comfertable with my mind and body and people around me ! There have been times when I looked far better for sure, when I fit into smaller sizes and could control my appetite, but I was never as happy !!

 I almost feel free of ridiculous expectations.. I can say 'yes' , I can say 'no' and I know what I am saying !!  I can multitask without complaining,I can make friends more wisely and easily now because at this stage, friendships are not need based. you've seen it all, done it all and now you're just making great friends to add new dimensions to your ever growing circle of life !
..I have now become more of myself without trying to be someone who may be more appealing ! the biggest realisation of all... People love me for who I am and its fine to be the imperfect, impatient,short tempered, fat, wheatish, sometimes daft person that I have always been..

Approaching 30, my struggle seems to be over ! If crows feet are appearing at the corners of my eyes, I look at them like proof of having smiled more than cried..if the folds of skin refuse to separate themselves from my tummy, its testimonial for having 2 wonderful children.. the number of  grey appearing here and there are the numbers of mistakes made lessons learnt..moreover, theres no shame in accepting that I did make mistakes, and I went wrong a million times !! apologizing doesnt seem so hard anymore, nor does loving !

This year, I'm going to celebrate being 30, rather than deny it ! Coz after  all, life is just starting out and it keeps getting better !!

Imagination is such a powerful thing !

Everyone has certain recurring dreams..they may be short or long, scary or happy..a lot of them are about people trying to fly and then suddenly they hear something snapping and see themselves falling to the groud !

Another recurring dream is that one where someone is climbing down the stairs and misses a step and you actually feel yourself jerking out of your sleep when that happens ! All dreams have meanings.. you can analyse them ..But how can something happening in your imagination physically move you ?how do u wake up crying when u realise that you have an exam and ur not prepared and are failing..while it was only something your mind made up in the middle of the night !?

Every single time when i am low or tired , i have a recurring dream..that of having met Oprah winfrey ! each time the place and the situation is different, but its always a long dream and so so distinct that i cannot possibly distinguish between between my dream and reality.. Every detail about the dream is so clear.. once i meet her in the carpark of Harpo productions, another time it was her trip to India where i waited for a whole day in the hotel that she was staying.. In the dream i had last night, i met her at her studio in L.A which she doesnt frequent really !

I remember her clothes, the fragrance, the conversation, the way i felt when i saw her in front of me ..my crying like a child when i could actually touch her hand...After dreams like that i realise how difficult it must be for people suffering from diseases like schizophrenia to distinguish their imagination from reality..

Last night, a friend told me "You must meet Oprah once, maybe that will give your life its meaning !" I agree with him completely !! But after last night, i wonder whether i have already accomplished that !! Because i still cant believe it was my imagination !

Dictionary of a new parent ...

I've always been a great fan of good language..The beautiful use of words twisted and turned to change their meaning to express love, hatred, joy, sadness- the entire gamut of emotions can be so potent !

My love for language also made me a diction trainer..I may have known a few more words than the average Jane, but the meanings and the impact  of even the commonest of words truly sunk in only after becoming a mother of 2 brats !

My new word dictionary follows :

1)hatred : what you feel for your husband during labour pains.

2) magic : the transition that happens in your heart when ur beautiful little baby opens its eyes for the first time.

3) babies : Tiny volcanoes of noise and energy that burst at the most inopportune moments !

4) trance : the most peaceful quiet moment where the mind is blank and free from all greed and fear - because u r sleeping next to your babies, smelling their skin and hearing their heartbeats !

5) handsome : the quality of good looks that belongs ONLY to your son !

6) Beautiful : The quality of good looks that belong ONLY to your daughter !

7) bragging : what all parents do from the time their child is born till they turn 5 or 6 years old .

8) joy : the overpowering feeling of contentment while you go crazy playing and laughing with ur rascals.

9) bliss : watching the kids play while you can read and the maid can clean up behind them.

10) fear : losing sight of your child in a crowded mall even if for a second !

11) gratitude : what you feel after you spot your child again.

12) incorrigible : that quality of your child where no matter what you do, he / she will never stand corrected..coz he / she threatens you to get lost in the mall again if you dont give him what he wants !

13) anger : The feeling that you get in your hands and teeth when your child wont eat after ordering 4 of his favourite dishes !

14) frustrated : what you feel when your child insists on doing potty the same second that u sit to eat after starving the whole morning !

15) cheated : the feeling most new parents are left with after long sleepless nights, no time tables, no sex and a colic child !

16) worth it ! : even after all the above, the way you feel about having your baby while he / she is asleep like an angel !

17) love : something to be completely understood only after you become a parent !

happy parenting :)

First impressions = last impression ??

I've never taken pride in my sense of judgement,whether it is judgement of roads or measurements or situations..Infact i almost have a knack of making the wrong judgements everytime..no surprise then that i dont drive ! My friends think it weird that i am so scared of getting behind the wheel, considering that i am a control freak !! (or atleast they think i am !)

The most difficult one out of all judgements, ironically seems to be the easiest one... judging people ! Everyone judges everyone..without an exception.. Its a scary thing but i guess we are all born to impress, arent we ? I should know, i teach grooming for the sole reason that u r prepared to be judged .

Technically i am more sound now, knowing how to read body language and all, but i still am not a pro at relying on the first impressions my mind makes. Why would we say then, that first impressions are the last impressions ??

I learnt a few days ago that our mind is such an egoistic being, it wants us to be right all the time..so if we have judged someone in the first few seconds of interaction as 'lazy' or ' dumb', our mind will focus only on those incidents which prove those negative qualities in that person.. We may almost negate or ignore the part where he / she is doing well or working hard.. but will definately stress on the incident when they left work early or couldnt creatively participate in a meeting.."see, i told you she was good for nothing..i knew it !"

The more i learn, the more i realise that my first impressions fail me,, almost always..In due course of time I always end up liking the person i disliked in the first meeting.. If there was someone who i thought i could trust with eyes closed, they have hurt me in the worst possible manner.. and i wonder, why i cannot judge people correctly !

First impressions are important yes, because if your packaging is good, people are more interested in knowing you better..u get a better chance of being accepted and liked. But first impressions = last impressions ?  I really dont think so !

I've just made it a policy to give people more time to prove themselves, to give them more chances to open up. That way i also give my mind more time to make, or rather try to make a sensible impression about people or situations.

whats the hurry anyways ? Also,I had read somewhere "either you can judge people or you can love them" Since i am pathetic at the judging bit, i'll just choose the latter..makes my life easier !

Till the next wrong judgement,  life is good ! :)

love on valentines...

Looks like i’m getting old !  I’ve started to sound like the cynical aunties i would come across earlier.. My views on valentines day have started matching their “resigned – for – life” opinions on romance.

“Its just a way to make money for the greeting card companies, thats why they promote it so much”, was what someone had told me when i was 20. I was furious and told myself that she definitely lacks love in her life, hence doesn’t understand the value of this day ! 9 years after that day, I’m thinking, maybe she was right after all... I cant understand all the fuss.. the mush in the air overshadows the pollution for a day, boyfriends spend more than they can afford, the restaurants laugh their way to the bank and you cant even think of stepping into a gift shop today !

The political parties get a chance at free publicity by trying to violently reject a concept that was brought in by the Europeans....its not ‘swadeshi’ they say !!

Every signal on the road is filled with autorikshaws riding down with young couples who cant stop kissing ! the police make a quick buck at lonely spots charging fines to couples who may be cozying up and expressing their love to each other !  sounds like an expensive day, this !

I’m sure I sound like an old complaining hag..but i don’t care.. i am just proved wrong after all these years by that wise old lady.. I can now feel where she was coming from.. her ideas didn’t come from the lack of love, but from the genuine fullness and richness of love in her every day !

Marriage- a good marriage, teaches you that love  is a ‘verb’, its a ‘doing thing’, not something reserved to be expressed only 1 day out of the 365.. love, is being there- ready and available when you are needed, it is in the knowing  and doing what makes your partner comfortable and happy. It is the quiet understanding and faith that you will love each other even when you put on weight and get grey...love is not time bound.. it cant be..it doesn’t even have a price tag on it and no one can wrong you for it either, not the police, nor the politicians..Love is simply the first smile of the day when you wake up happy- sleeping next to the one you love, grateful for have making the right decisions in life which were not based on lust, but a comforting feeling that “yes- this man will be good to me”

I have nothing against valentines day, i will enjoy all the fuss that even I will be a part of to some extent.. but its not an extra ordinary day.. or then maybe, everyday is extraordinary for people who understand and experience true love !

happy valentines J

An extra ordinary brand of ordinariness !

All these years, I though of myself as an ‘absolute average’. There was not a single thing about me that was special, or lets say, more special than others around me .. Not my face, definitely not my body, intelligence..well, just as much as every un-used mind, no special skills to boast  off.. basically I was the “typical girl next door”.

 The blessing was, I didn’t feel the need to be anything or anyone else. I was fine. I enjoyed the fact that I could escape the prying eyes of people and didn’t raise any expectations from anyone..I was accepted and loved for being ordinary ! It is actually a huge blessing in today’s date when every parent wants their child to be nothing but the best !!

After experiencing more than a decade of being a nobody,   I was genuinely bored of the same old complacent me and thought that a change would be nice.. So after thinking about how far I could go beyond the ordinary, i actually dared to take those first few steps.

Frankly, i really didn’t go very far..I was scared that if I changed something about myself, I wouldn’t fit in !  or so I thought..till I came across someone who stood out, but still fit it ! I was in awe of her from that moment on..She was like everyone else, but something set her apart for the rest.. It wasen’t her makeup or her clothes, she didn’t even have the body of a model nor the face of an actress, but there was something I couldn’t identify !  I wanted to be her...

There was a light that shone from her ordinary self. Even if she would have covered herself in veils, she would not be able to cover her real nature without illuminating the world in a new inimitable way ! She was the one who everyone wanted to see..! Now after so many years, I know the word, I know what set her apart.. It was her Charisma !

I have learnt from her that it’s enough to be your average self, as long as you are an ‘extra ordinary brand of ordinariness’ !

The matchmaker !

"Matchmaker matchmaker, make me a match,
find me a find, catch me a catch"

I first heard this in the beautiful film Mrs Doubtfire !! I guess i must be having something to do with this matchmaking business in my past life.. Its fascinating and yet i'm not able to put a finger on it !

An unexpected turn of events today made me change my sunday gym plan and took me to the quiet streets of santacruz east, a place where i've never set foot earlier...We were there to see a Mr Jayendra Sodha..a popular matchmaker who brings people together only for the sheer love for his hobby !! (Mind you, i didnt go for me..just to help out a cousin to get hitched !) He doesnt charge a penny for his services, so i doubted how good he might be !

 We took quite a while to locate his distant office, but once we were around, it was easy to locate.. Throngs of people walking in a walking out of this place which was no bigger than a rat-hole !! Every person there seemed incharge,  so it was tricky to locate who this Mr Sodha among all of them !

Outside his house, 3 to 4 young guys dressed in formal clothes hung around, body language a little shy and awkward, some almost wondering what there were doing there.. I figured they were the candidates, who probably came along with their parents while the mothers looked through fat albums of prospective
' good looking, well educated, fair with long hair type of gujarati girls'

I wanted to laugh at that site !! but i was feeling so sorry for the boys who were waiting there that i just kept the giggle within !

That place was like an encyclopedia of all the gujaratis across the country... unbelievable...Vaishnavs, lohanas, mehtas, jains, darjis, kapods etc etc etc.. I didnt even know there were so many sub castes among gujjus !! That guy knew every single biodata at the back of his hand and the tip of his tongue  !!  Lots of Mbs's, graduates, diplomas, single (called "fresh" according to him), lots of people with broken engagements, with divorces !!! I couldnt believe my eyes and the way they went around it !! I was having a ball !!!!!

I always thought there are more girls waiting to be married and very few guys !! I have been proved wrong today.. More guys, less girls ! For sure ....

The energy of that place was amazing.. fascinating.. lots of people there, no space to walk.. i can easily compare it to a crowded first class compartment in the indian trains.. atleast a 100 people in a 1 bedroom hall house  ! All of them there with one single intention.. to get their beloved child/ siblin / friend married to a suitor !

They couldnt make enough space for the paper work so created an online site..www.jayendrasodha.com, thankgod for that !! Now the boys wont have to wait in queue ! I am going to visit this website just for the heck of it  ! maybe to make myself happy once again, that the suitor that i have, is really the best among the lot ;)

Boys and girls.. if ur reading this blog AND looking for a partner.. give this guys a shot ! I was maha impressed !!

I had the best one day sunday picnic :)

ps : also what made my day was that a lot of parents came up to me to ask if i was one of the girls who was willing to marry !! Havent stopped laughing since !

Who moved my cheese, butter and Jam ??

Something has changed.

Life is different.. So different from what it was just a couple of months ago.. Infact if I rewind and go back some 6 months, I would never have imagined the space I am in today ! Its a good place to be in fortunately, and I have no complaints, but I wonder how it all just built up !

I have always been a positive person and thats really no surprise anymore, but I would'nt credit just that to this change..C'mon I've always been positive but on the other hand I've been a whiner too !! I have seen, smelt, felt, heard and tasted the bad and the ugly times.. and have I complained about it all ?? Oh yes !! even to the guy who ironed my clothes and the bai who washed the dishes !!!

Actually the only thing I have done consciously in these past few months is tried and said more "Yes-es" than "No's".  Could that really change so much ?? 

Life kept throwing these opportunities at me, small, miniscule, unimportant ones.. Usually I would'nt even have looked at what was coming, but this time I paid attention..I caught whatever was been thrown at me..looked at it for a second and said "yes" to it.. I think God was taken by surprise.. he may not have expected that from me, so he kept throwing more, (just to be sure that it was me who was catching it )....some good ones, some bad ones, some just empty testers !

I said yes to most, took the opportunity, followed the  instructions attached (just my intution actually)..I was surprised at myself ! I could do a job, the way it was told..and sometimes I did better than anyones expectations ! The opportunities started growing in size and significance and all my empty "boring" time got fuller with work and discovering myself .I began to really enjoy being me after all and suddenly there were more smiles than frowns, more gratitude than complaints, more love than anger..

The void had been filled. I had a full cup now ! The "aha" moment here... no one filled it for me ..I had to do it myself ! I did it and I continue to do it day in and day out ..

There are days when I wonder whether I will be able to pull it off again..there are doubts that  maybe I was witnessing something which is called "beginners luck" and I might run out of that luck soon. There are some low phases when I dont do as well as I want to, but I dont give up. I learn. I improvise. I achieve.

I stick to this mantra now, in good days and bad.. "I will make it happen"

Guess what ! its really working for me .. Try it . Might work for you too !

Heres to new opportunities !

Cheers !!

My big “aha” moment !

Imagine living your whole life with the feeling that something may be terribly wrong with you because no one stands by you when you need them to..You are convinced about it because one experience after another had taught you the same thing.. ‘You stand alone’.

 It is but natural that bitterness and self doubt would creep in and injure your confidence.. But what if someone were to tell you that you don’t stand alone because you are not loved, BUT because people around you have no capacity to support the magnitude of the strength you exude. They cannot stand by you because they themselves depend on you to stand up for them..   Your whole life could turn around in that one instant.. Time would stand still and relief would wash over you.. Like the Gods themselves validate that you are a good person after all !!!    AHA  MOMENT !!!!

Everyone has these moments  that they live for, moments they seek, moments that drive them. They could be seconds  of fame, of love, sinful pleasures, achievement, revenge… you name it.. Our life is in these moments which may be very few and far in between. 

Like small lethal packets, these precious flashes  of deep understanding, too could contain the greatest joys, the confrontation with success and the biggest lessons ever learnt. Oprah calls it the “aha” moment, when something new dawns in your mind and changes the way you think and act. Forever !

  For  most people struggling with an unhealthy body image, the next two lines could be euphoria.. 

 “If I  didnt know better , I’d say I was thin. However  the fact is that I’m not thin. But here is my new found reality: you don’t have to be thin to look good !” -  Lisa Kogan ( writer)

My  aha moment made it so much simpler for me to take decisions without guilt and trauma.. I live by this mantra now..“ If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world doesn’t fall apart”

I walk through each day not, seeking more moments like these, which would make my life lighter and light  up.. Its one more reason I look forward to the beauty of everyday.. the exposure to new experiences..new encounters with varied people..

let me learn about your “aha” moment.. I am waiting to get inspired by it.

 Love,

Kavyal

Life is calling ..Listen !

Each  one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life.. A marriage, loss of job, a frightening diagnosis, moving houses.. I know for sure that anyone who is reading this knows what it feels like because they have been through it..  It can be nerve wrecking to say the least !

 Whatever  our  official addresses may be, whether posh or in smaller localities, it  does not hold much importance, because after all we only live in the ultra luxurious world of our own little comfort zone ! The same friends that we’ve had since school or college, the same lucky charms that we’ve been over with a million times, the same therapy of home cooked food when we’re tired and the same dollops of chocolate or icecream when we’re upset..

We do complain several times about life being mundane, boring, not exciting enough, about us being ‘not  as lucky as  the dumb-but-rich neighbours  next door ‘..Lets face it, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do it.. But I know not more than a couple of people who actually take action to change something about their status..

 We cant complain that we’ve had no opportunity, that would be  blasphemy ! that would be the biggest lie in the world.. May be you chose to look away or retire in your comfort zone when opportunity knocked..thats quite possible.. “Who wants to take a risk at this stage? It’s not worth  it ! what if it doesn’t go well..Its better to be content with what we have”. There is nothing wrong with this approach.. infact I solicit it, I advise it, I use it myself, because I have a fear for the unknown, I AM SCARED OF RISKS !    There… I said it !  But as I say it, I am also responsible enough to not blame life for being mundane and dull and boring..

 I have realized that my ordinary actions will never give me the extra ordinary results I dream of. I accept that. I know that when I am ready to change my status from ‘ Comfertable’ to  ‘fire in my belly’ , I will  be a possibility of success.. I know that I will be willing to take that onward full tilt and will be resolute about making it on a good shore.

 I have already started taking baby steps towards conquering certain blindfolds and mental blocks I hold within me..I have started to face my fear and take the bull by the horns.. I am working on it and I am very surprisingly, enjoying my discovery ! I know you will too.. give yourself that chance to play DARE !

Till then,  I am hopeful and embrace one possibility after another. Time to take this life for  what it is !!